How-To's for Gamblers and Casino Management

This week turns tongue in cheek as I present my how-to's for casino gamblers and casino management....

For gamblers....

How to maximize making your fellow gamblers miserable.... start by sitting in a row of non-smokers with either a cigar or a cigarette and watch them choke and cough while you make their eyes water. Don't apologize, just give them an evil eye and make sure your smoke is asphyxiating them properly. Soon enough they'll leave, unless they snuff your smelly smoke machine down your throat first. Don't forget to flick your ashes in their coffee or drink.... or to use the coin hopper for an ashtray so the next person can roll in your filth. I personally don't mind a smoker who is courteous, one who checks to see if you mind, one who uses the ashtray and checks the ventilation to make sure that they aren't killing everyone near them... one who stays away from my coffee cup... but the other day I found my eyes burning two holes in my head, my throat closing up, and my nose running, because two of the nastiest smokers on the planet decided to "invade" my peaceful little corner in a casino. You can, if you aren't a smoker, try the following method... it works well, because I see someone like that once a week, and she's cleared a whole area out. Every time you hit a four-of-a-kind, jump out of your chair, scream like a crime victim, then bounce around slapping everyone on the back. You can do it when you win a little drawing too. Heck, a couple of weeks of that kind of behavior, and you are guaranteed to play by yourself..... I've seen people use this method by screaming like banshees every time they hit a cherry on a nickel slot too. You can get away with it, because management won't step in, even if others are leaving because of you and tell them so. So a couple of tips for those who can't be alive for five minutes without annoying the crap out of others.

For casino management....

How to make your gamblers go away.... You can start by having no cocktail service, no coffee, no change people, or no key people. Any one works... I've seen casinos with no morning cocktail service sit empty all night and all morning long.... the ones that do have good service are usually at least half full. Try letting people sit 20 minutes or longer waiting for a handpay or hopper fill. Don't send anyone walking around the casino from midnight to 10 in the morning to see if anyone needs anything. This guarantees a lot of empty space, and a real light work load. Let the porters go home, so the ashtrays and cups pile up. Leave all the trash in between the slots, and don't, don't for any reason, touch it. Serve cold coffee or food. Have the waitress wear hot pad gloves to fool the customer.... don't give anything back... nothing.... not even matches. Make sure that no one knows how to speak English, that's the best way. Nobody can find out how sorry you really are that way. Fill the place with unpopular slots, and don't ever check the drop records. If somebody at the manufacturer said they are good and popular, take their word, and purchase the slots.... they will still stay empty. Make sure the ventilation system is working incorrectly, double check to make sure the toilet paper is almost empty, as well as the paper towels, and for Heaven's sake, don't put any Kleenex out for people who need a nose rag. With all that said and done, you have no work load, no need for employees, and by the way, does somebody have the key to lock the place up? You won't be needing that open sign.

Fortunately, there isn't any one place guilty of all of the above. But I see smidgens of it everywhere I go, usually very isolated.... but nonetheless, still going on. I leave you with one word of advice, if you go to get change and the person starts off by looking at their fingers and going "uno, dos, tres...." I think I'd leave... or look for an automated bill changer.

If you want to come to Reno, and you want to gamble, and you want it clean and friendly... you are coming to the right place. Reno casinos are exceptional. Y'all come back now!