Gaming Guru

Evil Aliens in the Gaming Area

As anyone who plays casino table games can tell you, one has to expect the unexpected while at the tables, because anything can happen. So, let's say you're playing roulette at the Luxor in Las Vegas, and suddenly, a large gathering of hostile aliens busts in and starts zapping the players with laser beams coming out of their eyes. What do you do?

I know this sounds a little over the top, because the odds of winning the Powerball Lotto are much lower, but in keeping with my policy to keep gamesters in tune with every contingency, I have compiled the following list:

WHAT TO DO WHEN EVIL ALIENS APPEAR IN THE GAMING AREA:

1. Grab your high denomination chips, drop down under the table, and look away.
2. Avoid eye contact.
3. If the creatures have no eyes, avoid ALL contact.
4. If you get out alive, scrub all external body parts thoroughly with Ajax cleanser.
5. If anyone asks, this never happened.

Please, folks, don't make the mistake that Arnold Smark, of Poughkipsee, IL did the last time that happened. He didn't have any Ajax on hand, so he tried mixing ammonia with Clorox bleach, not realizing that he was creating deadly chlorine gas. I don't think you want to hear the rest of that story.

Obviously, if this happens while you're playing online, there is a whole different set of rules. First off, there aren't going to be any other people around to serve as the first victims, thus satiating the aliens' appetite for gore. Chances are, you'll be trapped in your room at home with the alien blocking the egress. If so, your only chance is to try to reason with the sunuvabitch, which may not be easy. Some of the more obscure races of aliens communicate by wiggling their ears, or some other appendage. Try to be sensitive to this. Keep him distracted, then run for your life the first chance you get. Most important, don't yell, and don't get him (or it) mad.

If all else fails, kick him in the crotch (if he's got one!).