Some Jokes for the New Year

30 December 2012

By Larry Mak

A tourist was strolling along the beach in Atlantic City and came across an old lamp in the sand. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped an old, wizened genie. In an exasperated tone, the genie said, "Hey, this is the fourth time this month I've been picked up, and I'm getting a little tired of granting three wishes. So, buddy, you're only going to get one wish. Now, what is it?"

The man thought a while, then said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid to fly and I get seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii?"
The genie laughed and said, "Why, that's impossible! How could the bridge
supports reach to the bottom of the ocean? Think how much concrete, how
much steel it would take. No, I can't do it. Think of another wish."

Again, the man thought, then said, "I go to Las Vegas two or three times a year to play the slots. And I lose every time. I've read books on the game, talked to professional slot players, and subscribed to all kinds of gaming magazines.
But no matter what I've read or studied, I keep losing every time. So if there's a secret way to beat the slots, tell me. I command you!" The genie replied, "Do you want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

• * * * *

A woman blackjack player returns to her casino hotel room. "Darling," she said to her husband, "which would you rather have happen? I lose $1000 at the
blackjack tables or I get hit by a car?" "Naturally, I'd pray you lose the money," said the husband. "Honey," the wife said, "your prayer has been answered."

• * * * *

A diner calls irritatedly to his waiter. "Waiter! What's this insect in my soup?"
"Don't ask me, sir," said the waiter. "I don't know one insect from the other."

• * * * *

A Sunday school teacher asks a gambler's son why he failed to attend last
week's class. He replied, "My father made me stay home to mark some cards."

• * * * *

Dearest Helen:

Ever since we broke up, I haven't been able to get you out of my head. I can't sleep, I can't eat. Won't you forgive and forget? I love you.
Your adoring Tom.

PS: Congratulations on your $500,000 win on the Wheel of Fortune.

• * * * *

Q. What must a gambler do before he can be forgiven for the sin of gambling?
A. Gamble.

• * * * *

A wealthy Texas oil magnate stared quizzically at the faux Eiffel Tower in Las
Vegas. "Right purty," said the Texan. "How many barrels a day does it produce?"

• * * * *

A wealthy high roller entered a Las Vegas hospital for a checkup and was fawned upon by every nurse in his ward. One particularly attentive nurse was at his side nearly every time he stirred. Tired of this constant attention he told the nurse
that he would like a little more privacy. "Of course," said the nurse. "But if you
want anything just pull this cord by the bed." "Thank you," said the patient with
a big smile. But what's this cord attached to?" The nurse smiled back and
said, "Me."

• * * * *

A Las Vegas school teacher asked a gambler's son about his parentage.
His reply: "My mother is Irish and proud of it. My father is Scotch
and fond of it."

• * * * *

Old Gambler's Saying: When a player with money meets a gambler with
experience, the gambler with the experience will get the money, and the
player with the money will get the experience.