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Glenn Barry
 

Report to the Senate by AGOC

11 April 1997

The Attorney General of Cyberspace.(A.G.O.C). (that's me, I elected myself AG until we figure all this democracy stuff out here in cyberspace. I, herewith, present, (in accordance with the requirements of S.474 - the U.S. "Internet Gambling Prohibition Act of 1997", my 360 day report as required by section five of the Act.

(Frankly, guys, I've got better things to do with my time than do this but this is what some Senator slipped into the damn bill and screwed up some damn good golfing weekends I had planned.)

SECTION 5. REPORT.
Not later than 360 days after the date of enactment of this Act, the Attorney General shall submit a report to Congress that includes--

(1) an analysis of the problems, if any, associated with enforcing section 1084 of title 18, United States Code, as amended by this Act;
(2) recommendations for the best use of the resources of the Department of Justice to enforce that section;
(3) recommendations for the best use of the resources of the Federal Communications Commission to enforce that section; and
(4) an estimate of the amount of activity and money being used to gamble on the Internet (as that term is defined in section 230(e)(1) of the Communications Act of 1934 (47 U.S.C. 230(e)(1)).

OK, you wanted it guys, here it is:-
In relation to:-

(1) an analysis of the problems, if any, associated with enforcing section 1084 of title 18, United States Code, as amended by this Act;

You asked about problems enforcing this dumb bill. Let me tell you, Senators I HAVE HAD HEAPS! Hooley dooley, you should see the problems this little number has caused. There are around at least 20,000,000 Netizens out there gambling their houses away on the Internet right now. To nail these guys, we've got a fiscal note that will keep the balanced budget at bay well into the next millennium (i.e. I mean the year 3000!).

We need 6 FBI agents to stake out each house, and 3 to work in shifts tapping their phone lines. That's 4.5 million NEW Federal Agents we have had to recruit. What with their Medicare and meal allowances, we have blown the FBI budget through till 2009.

Not to mention people's damn kids who are stealing the old man's credit card and ripping into those Antiguan Cybercasinos after school. As each family has 2.5 kids, we have 60 million of these little shits to run through the Juvenile courts. The damn Justice Department has had to hire another 500,000 prosecutors just to get through the backlog. And as they say, the Internet is doubling every year. We have had to ask all colleges to cancel all other subjects other than law for the new 5 years so will have enough prosecutors in Justice to cope with these little crims' as they come online.

Then, there are the wives and mothers. Those floozies are playing online bingo with the house-keeping money and we have had to hire 250,000 new police women just to frisk them for floppy's and other such gambling paraphernalia.

Then we got on remand 15,000 Priests, 28,000 Nuns, 3,800 Girl Guide Pack Leaders, 36,000 School Board people. 1,300 Rabbis, 6,000 Church Deacons, 36,000 people who claim they are from the Red Cross, 4 guys from Brooklyn and a guy from Italy wearing a purple cape who keeps talking about someone called Mary. We have had to build 45 new prisons, reopen Alcatraz and hire 127,800 new prison guards.

We need another 2.5 Billion for the Justice budget appropriation to build new courthouses. Another 1.2 Billion for stipends for the 1,900 new judges we need to jail all of these SOBs.

(2) recommendations for the best use of the resources of the Department of Justice to enforce that section;

Give them all Prozac.

(3) recommendations for the best use of the resources of the Federal Communications Commission to enforce that section; and

Shut the phone system down and bring back the Pony Express.

(4) an estimate of the amount of activity and money being used to gamble on the Internet (as that term is defined in section 230(e)(1) of the Communications Act of 1934 (47 U.S.C. 230(e)(1)).

Eighteen dollars and 35 cents.

Now, if you don't mind I'm off to play golf. I've got 50 bucks riding on this game.

Report to the Senate by AGOC is republished from iGamingNews.com.
Glenn Barry
Glenn Barry