Wild in the Slot Aisles!

Okay, those of you who read my columns know that I am a staid, conservative kind of guy when it comes to gambling in casinos. I advocate playing the best games and machines, using the best possible strategies, and for reasonable stakes. I caution you always to budget your money so that you can last for however long you wish to last at the games of your choice. I also advocate that you only play with money that you have set aside for gambling so that any losses you incur do not cause you to think about all the other things you could have bought with the money you just blew in the casinos. But not everyone agrees with my take on casino gambling. Some people want more action than I am willing to advise and other people want - well, they want to go a little nuts when they enter a casino - or a lot nuts, or completely bonkers. They want to play with abandon, damn the torpedoes, and get that incredible adrenaline rush with full speed ahead. They would advocate the idea that one should eat, drink, and make merry because who cares about tomorrow! So this column is for the crazy ones; those of you who want to go into the casino, letting it all hang out, going for broke (which you will probably achieve by following the advice I'm about to give in this article) but having a blast as you do so. I'm going to give you a thrill a minute, baby!

Okay, the first step is to acquire some money, lots of it. I suggest that you raid your pension fund or the money you have been saving for your children's college educations or for grandma's heart operation. There is no thrill bigger than playing with money that you can't afford to lose. Your heart will thump with every decision because you know that if you lose enough of those decisions, why you might very well find yourself out on the streets! Now, that's unequaled excitement!

Once you have your money, go to the casino that has the highest table minimums and the largest denomination machines. You are looking to make a killing, right? No, little wins for you. It's the law of the jungle you will obey - kill or be killed; eat or be eaten.

You are going to play full coin in every single slot and video poker machine in the casino, starting at the one-dollar machines and working your way up. If you can't afford to play the $100 or $500 machines, take a second mortgage on your house. That should do the trick. It will also put added pressure on you to win - more heart-thumping thrills! My guess is that once you have played every machine, you will either be up or down (yes, I am psychic). But you should still have some money left over to play the table games as well. If you don't, then perhaps you might consider selling your car…or your children.

Loaded with fresh cash, go to the craps table. Make sure the shooter has already established a point that he's trying to make. Check out what the table maximum is and then say, "Max bet on the Any Seven." Then as loud as you can say, "Come on seven! Come on Big Red! Shooter seven out!" Just keep repeating this bet and your chant ("Come on seven! Come on seven!") until the seven does hit.

Now it is quite possible, even likely, that the other players at the table will be annoyed, perhaps even in a murderous rage, as you chant, "Come on seven! Come on seven!" That's good. That adds an element of danger to your "let it all hang out" gambling evening. Nothing thrills like imminent death!

Next stop is the blackjack pit. Put a table minimum bet down, say, $100, and then shout to the other players so the floorperson can hear you, "Don't worry folks, when the count favors us I'll bet table maximum and make a killing. All you people just follow me and bet like I do. I am a great card counter." Whether you can actually count cards or not is truly irrelevant, as the pit will freeze in terror and it is quite likely that some guy in a gray suit will rush over and tell you that you are too good to play blackjack in that casino. That is a great thrill; being told you are "too good" so "get lost."

The purpose of doing this is to impress the other players who will be amazed by your gambling acumen and prowess. It's a thrill to have other people look at you as something special; so strut right out of that high roller room and never look back at the people's faces looking at your back as you leave.

Next stop, the roulette table. Make a large bet on every number, including the green 0 and 00, straight up! Then turn to everyone around and say, "I win on every spin!"

After playing roulette for about a half hour, you might want to take what remains of your bankroll and go right to the poker room. Buy in at a no-limit game and just raise everyone on every hand no matter what cards you have. On some hands don't even look at your cards. Play blind. As a new player to the game nobody will know what you're doing and nobody will be able to tell that you don't know what you're doing either. Or maybe they will. But who cares? You are now participating in the end run - you are going to win all the money you lost back or you are going to find a large crate in which to move your family.

Yes, playing insanely can be a lot of fun. It's a thrill ride of epic proportions and when you lose your house, your pension, your kids, and grandma, wait until you see what kind of comps you're going to get. They'll be crazy!