Why the Taliban Hate Us

Why do the Taliban and others of their ilk hate us? Don't listen to all the pundits that give socio-economic-religio-cultural-politico-oily explanations. There is one reason and one reason alone why they, and all others like them, hate Americans. Our women. Specifically, they are terrified of their women becoming like our women, and they hate American men for tolerating this state of affairs and the affairs that take place in our state. In their tortured psyches, they see plainly what could become of them if they Westernized their lifestyles.

In the following two vignettes, you'll see how the Taliban male has it now and what will happen should he have an Americanized wife.

Scene One: Days of Sticks and Obedience

Taliban Husband (pointing): Woman, get me my noodles, 500 of them, cooked as I like them. Now! Hurry!

Taliban Wife: Yes, my master, my imperious one. Yes, right now!

(Several minutes later she serves the noodles.)

Taliban Husband: Blow on the noodles and make them cooler.

Taliban Wife: Yes, my master. It is my pleasure to serve you in all things.

Taliban Husband (counting): Wait! Woman, there are only 499 noodles in my dish. For that you must be beaten with a stick!

Taliban Wife (handing husband the stick): Thank you for correcting my behavior, oh, exalted one. I should have learned to count better even though I wasn't allowed to go to school. Please, beat me.

Taliban Husband: And when I have finished beating you, you will make me more noodles and pick the fleas out of my beard.

Taliban Wife: Yes, honored master.

Scene Two: Mr. Taliban Goes to America

Taliban Husband (pointing): Woman, get me my noodles, 500 of them, cooked as I like them. Now! Hurry!

Americanized Taliban Wife: They're in the cabinet, make them yourself. I'm busy.

Taliban Husband (pointing): Get me my stick, you must be beaten for your disobedient ways.

Americanized Taliban Wife: You lift that stick and you won't be able to have a bowel movement for the next six months until they dig it out of you.

Taliban Husband: But I am hungry and it is a wife's duty to slave for her husband!

Americanized Taliban Wife: There's some ham in the refrigerator, make a sandwich. Now leave me alone, "Sex and the City" is coming on HBO and I don't want to miss it. It's about an orgy.

Taliban Husband (clutching his chest): Aaaarrrgggghhhhh! (He falls to the floor, dead.)

Americanized Taliban Wife: Quiet in there, will you? Just take out the garbage like I told you before!

The horror of such an Americanized wife has made the Taliban regime decide to fight to the last man to preserve their way of life. And when that last man does die, as indeed he shall, the Taliban women will throw off their Burqas and subscribe to Cosmopolitan. And the world will be a better place. But I must end this now, my wife wants me to take out the garbage.