Taking the Big Chance on Lady Luck

Are you the type of person who enjoys riding in one of those frightening thrill rides that topsy-turvys you upside down, downside up, outside in - often resulting in your insides out? Or are you the type who goes in the little boats that circle round and round the little pond passing the same beaming parents and grandparents?

If you were a boxer, would you be one of those "come on and hit me again because I didn't feel the last twelve punches" types? Or would you be the type who floats like a butterfly and runs like a patrician in Pamplona when the bulls charge?

Do you drive fast with no seat belts in that four-wheel-drive monstrosity, weaving in and out of the other cars that have the audacity, the nerve to be on the same road with you? Or do you drive a Camry at or just below the speed limit and in the right lane and do you always make sure your seat belt is fastened and your emergency flares are in the trunk?

When you fantasize your fantasies in the tidal pool between asleep and awake are you a strutting member of royalty - a king, a queen - conquering nations, making potentates and princes of other lands your footstools? Or do you fantasize about your pension, happily dreaming of what it will be like to attend AARP meetings where they serve your favorite glazed donuts and where you can swap prostate stories with your fellow members?

And when you stride into the casino, do you figure to make the gambling world rock to your roll of coins? Do you plan on your picture being up on one of those huge billboards on the expressway; a gigantic picture of y-o-u with a big smile, an oversized check, and several casino hosts and hostesses smiling right along with you? Or do you walk in timidly and play Double Diamond equal-distribution slots one coin at a time in the hope of eking out a little victory, and are you most proud of the fact that your player's card is spotlessly clean because you keep it in a plastic folder?

Do you soar with the eagles or do you crawl with the snails? Do you want to make millions and millions playing slots or do you want to get a few slot club points so that the casino gives you a pickle with your comped sandwich?

If you don't drive that four-wheel-drive monstrosity at suicidal speeds and if you don't enjoy punches to the head and conquering nations and intestine-stretching thrill rides; and if you don't care about winning enough dough to make the casinos spend bread on one of those billboards with your picture on it, then this article isn't for you. Go to the fishing section and see how the bass are running or maybe there's a "G" rated movie playing somewhere....

Good, now we've gotten the sissies out of the way, the rest of this article is for gambling he-men (and she-women), those of you who smoke unfiltered cigarettes, or inhale big cigars, and drink whiskey straight with no mamby-pamby "I'll have my scotch with water, please." I'm going to show you how to bring home those millions of dollars and get your big, fat face up on one of those big fat billboards...or die trying!

First, you have to have a bankroll. All gambling writers stress the importance of bankroll. Why is that? Because most gambling writers don't have bankrolls, that's why. But you're going to have a huge bankroll. How? Easy. Call the mortgage company and tell them you want to take a second mortgage out on your house. And if you have a kid in college, tell him Mummy and Dadda aren't paying any more tuitions, so no more partying-down and also tell him to bring the empty beer bottles back to the store to get his deposits back and then go get a job, junior, because the gravy train ain't stopping at your dorm room anymore! If you are senior citizen, call up all those leeches in your family who have been waiting breathlessly to hear any news about you and tell them: "I'm still alive, folks, but I've ripped up my will and liquidated all my property and I now have enough cash to buy the Brooklyn Bridge." Then hang up.

Then head for the casino of your choice.

Be confident. Be assured. You are going to win big.

When you get to the casino of your choice just tell the slot host that you want everything comped -- suite, gourmet room, whatever show they're showing. If they demure just flash your wad in front of the host's face. "I'm going to play this here $100,000 [or more] until I win the biggest jackpots or lose every last red cent. You want my action or not?"

After you've finished unpacking in your ocean view suite (even if you're in the Las Vegas "insist" on an ocean view!) and have made your appointment with the masseuse to give you a massage in your room later that day, head for the casino. Now, look around carefully. You are not going to play any of these mealy-mouth machines. As a warm up, you are going to go to the brand new machines from Australia. How do you know they are from Australia? You'll know because you won't be able to figure out how you win on them. That's good. You don't want to know how you win - that's for pointy-headed intellectuals and for people who think it's a big deal to be literate. No, just put in your 45 or 100 coins and let 'er rip! Play about 10 percent of your money through these machines until you lose it all or win the highest jackpot, just to get warmed up, and then head over to the Quartermania machines.

Announce in a loud and bellicose voice: "I am going to win that big one so everyone ought to quit playing now and get to some other machine where you might win." That should scare away a few folks, especially if you bug out your eyes when you shout it. Take another 10 percent and go for it, baby. Play every available machine. Run up and down the aisle putting coins in and pulling the handle. Pull that handle hard, like you mean it. If some demure older woman objects, just tell her: "Look, lady, this here money I'm playing with was going to be used for my quadruple bypass heart surgery. But am I whining about life and death? No. So don't whine because I took your machine. And who ever heard of orange hair, huh?"

Play your 10 percent through until you hit the jackpot or until you lose it. Then head over to Megabucks. This is the moment. All the other stuff was preliminary. So what if you face odds of over 49 million to one against winning the jackpot [see John Robison's expose of Megabucks in issue #21 of Chance and Circumstance magazine], because, you know what? -- only smart alecks care about odds, and you ain't no smart aleck!

Sit down in the middle of the bank of machines or as close to the middle as you can get. You want that big Megabucks jackpot centered right over your big head. If someone else is seated there stand over him - loom over him - and try to get him to leave. If he is stubborn just start having an animated conversation with yourself. "I'm glad we're out of that hospital. Yeah, so am I. I have a right to be free. I have a right to have conversations with all these people living in my head! Ha! Ha! Ha!" That person will move.

Now sit. Take out your thousands of dollars and call for the slot attendant. "I want buckets of coins. And a thousand hand-wipes. Now git!"

When the buckets are brought to you cash in all your money. Make the whole casino stop to see you play. Line up the buckets in front of the machines. Bow down before the big Megabucks sign. Say a few incantations. Then...GO! GO! GO!

Play as many machines as you can. Run up and down putting coins in. Do not wait to see if you win anything - let the credits pile up. By the time you use up all your life-savings in the buckets, you will have many thousands of dollars in credits just itching to be played. Chances are you will be able to play for many, many days. Don't sleep. Don't wash. The gods will reward you for your tenacity. Play, play like your life depended on it, and light up those unfiltered cigarettes and chain smoke. Have one burning like incense sticks at every machine that is available. When you get tired, take a deep breath and order another drink "straight up!"

One of two things will happen. The first is that you will hit that Megabucks jackpot and as they wheel you into the hospital's emergency room, reporters will ask for your name and the casino executives will want to get one last picture "for the billboards, sir."

Or, more likely, only the hospital attendants will be near you, clucking and shaking their heads in dismay, because you didn't win a blessed thing. You lost every penny in every bucket and every credit on every meter and you smell something awful from not bathing for all those days and from smoking all those unfiltered cigarettes and drinking all those "straight up" drinks. And all your relatives will despise you for ruining all the plans they had made to spend your money and so they won't visit you in the hospital. And your kid will drop out of college to become a slot repair technician through a mail-order correspondence course.

But, you know what? You'll be able to laugh at them all because you went for the BIG one before the even BIGGER one came for you.