More mixed nuts

14 October 2014

By Frank Scoblete

They are out there. Seriously. People who in centuries past might have been thought possessed by the devil or thought to be evil witches or Bedlam beggars or in-laws.

I have the (small) privilege of getting letters from such people. These people fancy themselves as wise and winning — or at least knowledgeable — gamblers or even advantage players but, in fact, they are semi-literate whack-a-doodles that actually (and amazingly) survive in day-to-day life. They are — let’s be frank here — nuts. Assorted mixed nuts.

It's a good bet that their dogs love these nuts, as dogs will love just about anyone who feeds them and is somewhat kind to them. Some of the world’s greatest dictators had dogs, and some of the world’s greatest crime bosses, too.

I’m not saying all of these people are evil or anything — well, wait a second, there is a woman who wrote to inform me that she was “God.” I kid you not. First she explained that God was a woman and all women have a particle of God in them but men don’t. Jesus was a woman too; just hairy. She understood a “new” math in a way no one else on Earth ever understood it. She disliked me for misleading people. She thought I was a total “phone.” Yes, a phone. I am guessing that she meant a “phony.”

So here are some more “mixed nuts.” If any of these folks are in your family, I promise I won’t tell anyone. (Believe it or not, I have fixed the grammar a bit to make these somewhat readable.)

FROM DONNY: “So, Frackee, I got you number and everthing like this and that you undertand rite. You say that you no casino games and I says that you are a fope and are awear of nothing moe then nothing. Just like that. How do you like that fellar? My wife she plays slits and she is dam good at it and always wins because she has the seven census. The seven cense is one where you can feel that the slut is hot and you jump on it rite away. Butt you know nothing Mr. Frackee. You are just an empty pants. Why do people read the shut that you right?”

FRACKEE RESPONDS: Hey, I am not a “fope” okay? Your wife might be a damn good “slit” player but I really doubt she always wins. No one always wins. As for me being “empty pants,” I’ll leave that up to my wife to decide. As for jumping on “sluts,” well, I’ll leave that up to your wife.


FROM JAMBO: “You must know Mr. Scoblete that casino games are fixed by a computer in the eye-in-the-ski. They just push a button and you loose it all. Why do you think so many people loose? Not everyone on earth is dum no sirree!? The games are fixed. You don’t tell your reader that.”

MR. SCOBLETE RESPONDS: It is “eye-in-the-sky” unless they have the same thing in your skiing equipment. And let me tell you, my reader knows I am a good guy. I met him once in Vegas. Casino games are “fixed” not by a button, but by how the casino pays a player. The casino either wins more decisions or pays less than what the bet’s payback should be in a fair game. For example… oh, the heck with it. Letters such as this make me “loose” it.


FROM BOBBY: In my thurty yaers of gambing I have never see anyone won. Have you?

FRANK RESPONDS: Yes.


FROM PEGGY: I have a serous queston Mr. Frenk. I am tolled that machines near batrooms are hot because popele are elaxed when they have done watt they have don in there you know what I am saying. Is htis so?

MR. FRENK RESPONDS: I have never been in a “batroom” so I am not sure how hot it is in those places. I also have no idea what people do in a batroom. Maybe they kill bats and that relaxes them? As to the machines being loose near batrooms, I haven’t tried them because I haven’t found any batrooms in the casinos where I play.


FROM CARL: You are a BIG!!!! peace of bludder, Mr. SoWhatLetee, ha! Ha! He! He! Ha! I woodn’t listen to you if the world came to an end wile I read the goggle. No one knews about gambling and you people who tink you do are fools. Just blubberbutclocks folos! Answer me that, Mr Big Snot!

MR. BIG SNOT RESPONDS: Answer you what?