May I?

In this column may I indulge myself in giving strong, no-holds barred advice to slot players who are looking for strong, no-holds-barred advice? I think as nature's spring season flourishes around us, the time has come to reflect on the important aspects of playing those wonderful machines.

May I take a look at how poorly too many people play? The idea of going to the casino with money from one's normal bank accounts -- those accounts where you get your mortgage money, your food money, your utility bills money, your kids' college education money, and your heart operation money -- is asking for nothing but trouble. When you do that you are putting yourself at risk of going overboard, of losing your head and your cash.

May I suggest that you open a separate bank account with checking privileges called a 401G (the "G" stands for gambling), the money from which you will use on your forays to the casinos? You can build this 401G by putting a small percentage of your monthly pay in. Or if you own your own business, put a small percentage of your monthly profits into such an account. When you win in the casino all the money from that win goes into the 401G bank account until you have so much money there that you can switch some of it into your regular accounts.

May I caution you to realize that chances are over time you will lose more than you win at the slots? These losses will come out of your 401G. However, since you are putting regular deposits in, you will find that chances are your account continues to grow.

May I advise you that playing from a 401G account will take away much of the sting of losses and much of the guilt you might have experienced had you used "real" money from your "real" bank accounts? Being able to gamble without much or any of the sting that could come of such gambling makes gambling that much more pleasurable for you. May I affirm that having such pleasure is the only reason to risk your money at the slot machines? Otherwise, why do such a thing?

May I strongly urge that you set up how you will play in advance of your casino trip? Break up your day into sessions of time and money. For example: "I will play no more than one-hour sessions three or four times a day." And/or, "I will play with 'X' amount per session until I win 'Y' amount or 'Z' amount." May I suggest that you can decide these figures better than I can, but may I caution you that these time and money issues must be decided before you go to the casino?

May I remind you that trying to make a calmly rational decision in the excitement of the casino is a difficult thing to do because the casino atmosphere charges us up with energy and sometimes that energy drives us to make mistakes in our playing strategies? May I state that no one wants to go back to his or her room, or his or her house, with the sole intention of kicking his or herself in the backside.

May I strongly push you to try to find advantage-play machines, which are in many casinos in the country? These machines can be played at certain specific times when the player has the edge. May I implore you to look for such machines as the first order of business when you enter a casino? While some casinos and some venues do not have such machines, many do. May I state without reserve that playing these machines is the smartest investment you can make at the slots?

May I suggest that you limit your drinking while playing the slots? Drinks loosen players up, sometimes too much, and the value of the money being wagered sometimes loses its real value. Make a point of limiting your intake.

May I counsel you to never get jealous of another slot player's fortune? The fact that the machine you just left hit for a monstrous jackpot does not mean that if you were at that machine that very second, it would have hit for you. May I remind you that with each passing moment different symbols are being established in the computer program that has the RNG? No two players can play at the same speed or put in the same amount of money at the exact same times into that machine. So being jealous of something that wasn't in the cards (reels!) for you is a waste of your emotional time and energy. May I state that you should be happy for others' fortune, just as you would like others to be happy at your fortune?

May I emphatically urge you to do other things than gamble when you are at the casinos and in the casino towns? There are shows, great restaurants, parties, fights and a host of activities that you can enjoy. Why not get the full experience? May I say that limiting yourself to only one activity limits your fun?

May I conclude by saying that slot machines are fun to play as long as you play them intelligently and properly? If you play as I suggest, you should have a May covered in flowers.