Madame La Pilate's top 10 predictions for 2013

1 January 2013

By Frank Scoblete

Many of you don’t know who Madame La Pilate is. She is a very special psychic/astrologist who makes amazingly accurate predictions and has done so all these many years. At least that is what she told me when I tripped over her sleeping on the sidewalk on 33 and Broadway in Manhattan.

She is totally disdainful of science (“It has nothing but idiots working in it. Albert Einstein? Ha! What is so special about his special theory of relativity anyway?”) and prefers to look into the stars in the old fashioned way – without a telescope.

Anyway, she has made the following predictions about casinos and casino gambling for 2013. Save this article and see if she hits everything on the head … or knees.

1. “The Atlantic City casino known as Revel will get some new loans which means it is definitely going up for sale. The state of New Jersey will buy it and Revel will become the first government-run casino. It will then go totally bankrupt and be an eyesore on the shore.”

2. “More shenanigans will take place in and around casinos than ever before by people who may not be all that bright … probably these people will be Quantum Physicists. Why do I know that? I’ve seen episodes of ‘Big Bang Theory’ and those guys are idiots!”

3. “The ‘due principle’ of gambling will be proven once and for all by people who realize that math has nothing to do with percentages and numbers coming up at various games. If a number is due you can tell it is coming up because it hasn’t been coming up much in the past. So keep track of everything that is not happening at the tables because then you will know what will be happening soon.”

4. “Casinos will loosen their comping system by mistake because computers will start to rebel at being treated as if they don’t count. So small players will start getting comps they don’t deserve. I say, take them and don’t open your big mouths. You deserve the money. You are entitled to the money.”

5. “In order to raise money for their investors, casinos will petition the local authorities to lower the playing ages to 12 years old. This will allow them to win various piggy banks. As the casinos know all wins are good wins. However, the young players will still not be able to drink alcohol until they reach 14.”

6. “A giant flood will strike Las Vegas and Caesars Palace will be drowned in mud. The people who dress up as Roman guards and gladiators will go right to the bottom because of how heavy their costumes are. The girls dressed as Cleopatra will have to wrestle each other in the mud to be saved.”

7. “A new slot machine will be developed for senior citizens that will allow them to play the machines even when they are napping. With each ‘in’ breath the spin button will be hit. The return percentage of this machine will be one percent while the senior is sleeping and 10 percent when the senior is awake.”

8. “Another new slot machine will be advertised as curing erectile dysfunction. There will be commercials showing really rugged guys who have been having problems and then showing skinny, little pimply guys in front of these new slots surrounded by dozens of beautiful women hungering to take the pimply guys’ thick glasses off. The slot machine will become the highest-grossing machine among men.”

9. “In Colorado, marijuana will be the most-asked-for comp and the casinos will bring players free joints as well as liquor.”

10. “Frank Scoblete will be sent $1,000 by everyone reading this column. He will share that money with me.”

There you have it. Madame La Pilate’s predictions for 2013.