Exciting new craps strategies

I am so sick and so tired of some of my readers writing to me to inform me that my normal betting recommendations are "boring," "unexciting," "typical," "uncreative," "stupid," "dumb," "idiotic," "conventional," "asinine," "unimaginative," "pathetic," "dull," "redundant," "derivative," and, this one I love, "not for players looking to have as much fun as God intended us to have at a craps table."

OK, my normal recommendations are quite simple, I'll agree. Bet the lowest house edge bets, for example, the pass line with odds, come with odds, don't pass with odds, don't come with odds, place the 6 and 8, and buy the 4 and 10 for $25 or $50 if the vig is taken out only on wins. That's about it.

The other bets at the craps tables are not really good bets but my "astutepid" fans have hammered me black and blue to show them betting styles that they have never heard of before. So here goes:

The Donkey Hole Strategy: Anytime you see a three rolled then you bet the 12 which adds up to three (1 + 2 = 3). If the 12 doesn't roll in three turns with the dice then you bet the nine because when you minus three from 12 you get nine. If the nine hits as a five and four then you place a bet on the five and a bet on the four. If it is a six and three then you bet the six and three. If you get this far you take all your bets down and wait for the three to roll again and start all over with this method. In between each bet you should order a Belvedere martini.

See a Horn, Bet a Horse Strategy: There is a very "astutepid" strategy that has made the rounds for years called the "see a horn, bet a horn" that has lost its adherents tons of money. In fact, if you took all the money lost and used hundred dollar bills to count the sum, you could fill the Grand Canyon to overflowing. But the new strategy is nothing like the old one. No sir. The new strategy says if you see any of the horn numbers, which are two, three, 11 or 12, you must make an immediate bet on the hard four. Want to know why? Because the nickname for the hard four is "post holes," which is where you put posts in the ground so you can tie up your horse to them. A horse is very close to all those animals that have horns, like deer and unicorns. This strategy works really well after four Belvedere martinis.

Eat Like a Pig Strategy: Bet every number, including the seven, and you always get a payout on every roll. Amazing right? This is a variation of the Iron Cross but here is the rub — you increase your bet on each number. Here is how to do it. You bet $20 on the two; $30 on the three; $40 on the four; $50 on the five; $60 on the six and also $60 on the eight (you have to get a $70 payout or you screw things up on the six and eight); $70 on the seven; $90 on the nine; $100 on the 10; $110 on the 11, and $120 on the 12. See how symmetrical it all is with the heaviest amount on the 12 — a big, fat number known as boxcars. When numbers lose as some will on each roll, just replace the bet. You'll be in the action. Make sure you drink a lot while playing this strategy.

Low Roller / High Roller / Die Roller Strategy: Sick and tired of those stinking high rollers getting all the casino executives saying to them, "Hi Mr. S., great to see you again, Mr. S. How's everything Mr. S.?" even when the high roller's name has no "s" in it? Well you can be a high roller too — for at least one roll and shock the table while you are at it. This technique can only be played where the low-rollers play, preferably a $2, $3 or $5 table. Start off betting a single red chip, after you have had several drinks. Throw that red chip on any number. If it wins or loses doesn't matter; just yell out, "I feel lucky!" Throw out a green chip.

Doesn't matter if the green chip wins or loses, guzzle some more of your drink, and then scream (preferably with a Brooklyn accent), "I'm going for the moon, Alice! Yo, Adrianne!" Then look at all the players at the table and scream at them, "You peasants don't know how to bet! Watch this!" Then take about ten thousand dollars out of your pocket (from your equity loan) and throw it on the table. Turn to the stupidest-looking player at the table, other than yourself, and scream, "Hey, peasant, tell me how to bet!" Whatever he tells you to do, you do it.

Now you might lose the bet but if you do, just smile and say, "There's a lot more where that came from!" and stride from the table and leave the casino. Make sure you have the phone number of an ambulance service in case you have a heart attack.