Dumb Adults

I might be dating myself severely here, but do you recall the old Art Linkletter show "Kids Say the Darndest Things"? I think that was the title. It was all about the silly little things kids say and how they view the world from their small-age perches. Adults loved the show and it was a big hit for many years.

Not with me. I hated the show.

That's because I never found the show funny, even though I was a kid at the time, because kids just act like kids, which isn't funny, just usually stupid. Come on, doing something dumb for a kid is routine; saying something stupid, silly, or snotty is de rigueur.

Now, the flip side, adults saying and doing stupid things is funny. Adults, because of the dignity we assign them according to age, should be models of intelligence and decorum. When they fall from this model, by will or circumstance, well, it can be very funny indeed.

Casinos are wonderful places to observe strange quirks of human behavior. Casino players, often unbeknownst to themselves, will say and do the darndest things. On the web site www.thecrapsclub.com dozens of posters wrote about some of the crazy, wacky, or sad things adult casino players have done. Here are some examples that might amuse you.

Alex: "I saw someone fall asleep right over the [craps] railing. At first I thought he was dead. He wasn't."

Adam Teasley: "I saw someone who insisted that he be allowed to take back his Pass Line bet when a number was established as the point. He wanted to know where the sign was that said you couldn't do that. The pit boss was not amused."

Larry M.: "In the area of disgusting, I saw a young man 'heave-ho' on the table. That was a memorable, stomach-churning event."

Steven R.: "I saw a young woman allow herself to be fondled to the point that it was almost x-rated. She was drunk, so was her 'date.' They were betting heavy and petting heavy and the pit said and did nothing. This was not a dive either but a high-level strip resort."

Howard "Rock 'n Roller" Newman: "I once was at a table and a big (meaning in money and size), loud don't better was betting a lot of money on the don't pass line. I found out that he would tip you $25 dollars if you went on the don't side with him. So, OK, I'll put my $10 dollars on don't pass if he's going to throw me $25 dollars...I can't lose! On one roll, I took a lucky guess and told him a seven was going to hit and he'd win. Well, he then gave me $100 dollar tip for my psychic prediction when the 7 showed up on the very next roll."

Willie Johnson: "Spitting on the dice is disgusting but I saw a guy lick the dice. He was immediately told not to lick them and he said, 'They love being licked.' He was serious too. When he licked them a second time, they took the dice away from him and wiped them off with one of those [alcohol] wipes the slot players use."

Dominator: "Here is one from me. I am playing at the local Wisconsin casino when craps was first introduced. A guy is rolling the dice and had made only two points, and he has to go to the bathroom, only instead of passing the dice, the box man stops the game and announces to everyone at the table, 'Pee Break!' and they stop the game till this guy comes back!"

Double Down Dave: "I see this one a lot. A guy carefully sets the dice; it takes him a long time to find the sides he wants as he wants them. Then he gently picks up the dice, aims and ...fires them down the table where they bounce all over the place. That's crazy!"

Captain Kid: "One time I was on a cruise ship, late at night, most everyone was totally ripped. During her toss, this stunning knockout young woman with a low-cut evening gown literally fell out of her dress! She hit her number on that roll too! You can imagine the ROAR that went up! Wow! She didn't miss a beat, and placed several bets before securing her dress and reloading. She kept the dice for over 30 minutes and had several close calls... it was wild! For some reason, the stickman was having a hard time following the dice down the table. Another weird event: one time at a large strip casino, in the middle of a sizzling role, I saw this wild shooter toss the dice so hard, they ricocheted off the layout, high into the crowd at the end of the table. At first, no one saw where the dice landed, then one of the players took the die out of his eye socket! (It has knocked out his false eye!) He fell to his knees, and the game went on! His friends dragged him away and the shooter continued. As Billy the Kid said, 'They don't screen them at the door!'"

Larry M.: "I like the old story about the player who accidentally had his false teeth fall onto the table and the pit boss took out his and said, 'You're covered!' At Sahara in 1994, I saw this very short guy, maybe three feet tall, being held up by two women to shoot the dice. Oh, he sevened out pretty quickly."

Maury LePeu: "A guy was chewing gum and when it was his turn to shoot, he took the gum out of his mouth and put it on the chip rail! The stick man had to tell him to throw the gum out. You know what he did? The guy put the gum back in his mouth. I wish he had a great roll but he went point, number, and seven out."

The above descriptions of adults doing and saying the darndest things come just from the craps tables. There are equally great stories from blackjack, roulette and the world of machines.

My own craps stories are not quite funny, just weird. At the Claridge Casino in Atlantic City, one extremely overweight craps player died right at the table. He just slumped to the floor. A man who was waiting to play at the table just stepped over him. Medics were called but the game continued. Two years ago at Treasure Island in Las Vegas, I saw a man at the craps table just whooze on down to the floor. I stepped over to him and checked his pulse. Thankfully, he was alive. Then I stepped over him to play!